In the film The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, there was a dialogue that stuck in me when Bilbo Baggins saw Smaug about to fly off to Laketown. He said, “What have we done?”
I remembered this line because it talks about accepting one’s fault even though a one did not intended the consequences of one’s actions. For example, acting in good faith. I may have the best-est of all intentions but if I end up messing up, as a cliché says, the end does not justify the means.
While I was playing a video game, I remembered my recent interactions with some subordinates. I think I’ve done something wrong and they hinted it through a passive-aggresive remark and until now I am still wondering what exactly I did wrong. When I assume leadership, I admit I sometimes tend to overlook some people in the group particularly those who seem to be so sensitive. I never intend to do so but whenever I do overlook some people, I see now the pattern how these people react. And four out of four of them happened to have some father issues.
Maybe a family problem? Probably transference? Seeing me as their father figure? Am I too intimidating? Or maybe I’m just overthinking or rationalizing. I have to stop seeking the fault outside myself now.
I have to remind myself again that what’s done is done; I can’t bring back the time; I am not fail-proof; I am failure-prone; I cannot do it all; I cannot control the results. And sometimes even if it’s not my fault, I cannot make everything feel alright. It’s out of my reach. Or maybe it’s because I’m just a people pleaser. But I’m bound to fail because I can’t please everybody. And as the lyrics of a song goes, I did my best but I guess my best wasn’t good enough.
This is were humility comes. I now let St. Catherine of Siena to remind me that I am not who I think I am. I may have done something wrong, so mea culpa. So I now let it go and let the Lord do His work. I’ll try again next time and let tomorrow worry about itself.
And this is how an introverted and intuitive thinker perceives his interactions with others when he sees something’s wrong and he thinks he’s the problem though he’s not (or maybe he really is the problem).
You know what, sometimes leaving things by itself makes it worse. I guess the key to solving such problem is to communicate one another. I tell you, it’s better this way because it will not keep you wondering 🙂
Our communication was open and is still open. I actually reached out already though I am not sure if I am at fault. But I think it’s more of a, “I think I was wrong but I am not really sure.” I did not detailed the problem because it involved money. Hehe! So that was also my solution. Solved money with money. Since it’s almost Christmas, I gave away bonuses apart from our annual Christmas bonus! 😁 It did not solved the problem but at least it was my gesture that I am thinking of them. I am dealing with poor student scholars and I want to be strict and discipline them. I want to train them to be future professionals after college. So as a result of my discipline, I made them responsible of their actions. It’s tough love. I am acting like their parent, a tough one yet inside there’s a heart that cares for them. And I hope that they’ll understand. If not, then it’s alright. I will still love them anyway. 😊