Dear friend,
How are you?
I wrote to you to remind you again that my vocation is responding to the call as a religious or consecrated brother. I know you do not know what kind of vocation I entered.
I chose this life thinking it is the best way for me to be closer to God. I was “away” for a long time and I wanted to come back home. I think you saw me struggle with faith before. I thought this was the best way for me to be back home again. To be consecrated means to be set apart. And with the help of discernment, I was convinced that it is best for me to follow Christ set apart from the world, my family, friends, dreams and ambitions. It is a hard choice.
The life I have chosen is counter-cultural. I am not a priest yet I am not going to marry. How foolish is that? If I appear to be foolish by choosing this path, I would not argue. Indeed, I am a fool for Christ.
I watched the Infinity Wars yesterday. If Dr. Strange would ask me which master do I serve, I would love to say that I serve Jesus. But I know deep inside of me, my heart is divided. I admit that I have strange idols. I won’t mention them one by one. This is one of my hardest struggles I face. I sometimes lose sight of Christ. I am just like Peter who tried to walk in the water but looked elsewhere. I stumble many times in trying to walk this life. But I know that He will catch me whenever I fall. I am having a hard time right now. My consecration is the “cross” I am carrying to follow Christ.
I must admit that along the way it feels so hard to keep my fidelity and zeal as a consecrated person, I am struggling and trying to be the best that I can offer though I know deep inside I am a great sinner.
If you are frustrated for the fact that I, despite of my absence of good looks, would forego dating or marriage, then I respect your right to feel that way. I just do not know if you are just truly concerned of my personal happiness. If you are, then I thank you my friend.
And I must remind myself everyday that it is not about me, it’s about Him. I pray to our good Lord that let not my will be done, but may His will be done.
If it is God’s will for me to be a brother in consecrated life, then so be it. Amen.
If it is God’s will for me to be a brother in common life, then so be it. Amen.
I hope that we will see each other face to face in the future and we will listen to each other’s stories over a cup of coffee.
Please pray for me.
Your little brother,
Allen
Br. Allen 