It has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions this past few days and I am keeping it to myself. Is it because of vocation crisis? Maybe.
I have to make a decision: consecrated life or married life.
A few days ago, I opened up to my father about my vocation story and how he had helped me to enter the Marist Brothers. It is on my Twitter feed (@allenjambalaya) and you can actually browse through it. It is through a borrowed book from him eight years ago that I was so inspired and inquired about entering the Marist Brothers. The book’s name is The Way by St. Jose María Escriva. I didn’t get to finish the book by the way but I recall reading the first part and the word I can describe when I read it is “emphatic”. That time, I was still unemployed and just a month removed from getting a college degree which from the beginning never intended to use in getting a job. Of course while studying, I used to entertain thoughts such as getting a master’s degree in Psychology and teach in the tertiary level.
Also, an untold story was that I drifted from the Catholic faith since I graduated in high school. In my last two years of secondary education, my Sunday Mass attendance was in a downslope as I was already questioning my faith and kind of missing the point of participating in the Holy Sacrifice and why I need to receive Jesus in the form of the Eucharistic bread. In short, the Catholic education and formation I received was lacking in solid foundation. I’ll write about this is detail later on.
Well, I wanted to go back to the Church so bad I entered right away in discerning to consecrated life. One counselor even told me I was rushing and that it’s a very tough life decision to make.
And so I did took my faith to the next level: I entered religious life.
Though at times I hesitated to continue on, I never regret this decision.
And now, this is my source of suffering now.
It. Is. Hard.
During the Mass this morning (which is in Japanese by the way), I was meditating on this and it reminded me of Jesus telling his disciples and all those who are weary and burdened to come to Him and He will give them rest.
I was very moved and teary-eyed during the receiving of the Eucharist. Maybe some Japanese seated near me saw me wipe my tears.
Though my heart is suffering, I know I am free and full of joy because that is the Good News—the Gospel. This is what the Triumph of the Cross and the Feast of Our Lady of Sorrows reminded me.
This passage was so alive in my heart as I was walking in the street.
His yoke is easy and burden light.
I know compared to others, my burden is very easy and light indeed. Mine is a unique kind of yoke. But I am thankful that I am with the Marist Brothers.
For now, I will carry this cross and follow Him.
May you have a joyful Sunday.
Br. Allen 