Choose life

The last post I had was an emotional one. I was feeling that way for a long time that I just want to let it out. I haven’t told anyone yet about my struggles this year. Knowing me well, I start to be in touch with those kinds of emotions when I am alone. At least I have the time to feel sorrow when I could have just feel numb by binge-watching on a television series.

As I have written before, this semester is a busy one. I’m just lucky that this Thursday morning, I have no classes to teach I might as well spend it in writing this post. Once I’m done with this, I’ll be back checking papers to clear out pending tasks. At least I have the time to even focus on checking them though I rush a bit at times.

I read somewhere that we experience certain kinds of “deaths” in life. There’s something in me that’s needs dying so probably that’s what I am experiencing right now. I am blessed to even take a pause in between the busyness. At least I have the time to experience different “deaths”.

I wanted to finish reading a book. I started reading The Fellowship of the Ring by Tolkien and Sacred Fire by Ronald Rolheiser but I can’t get past Chapter 2. But at least I have time to write about wanting to finish reading them.

I bought those books when I travelled to Marikina twice last June and July. I have a home visit last June 20 to 25 and co-facilitated in the Coaching Module of MAPAC last July 8 to 15. It is good to just spend a while with your family; and, it is good to meet new people who shows passion for sports and education. I am blessed to have the time for family visit and co-facilitate in developing coaching skills every year.

Maybe, when I look back, I will just laugh at myself for acting the way I am reacting now. Like the song of Urbandub’s Soul Searching says, choose life. As for me, I choose to spend time thanking God for all the blessings I received despite the hardships.

Not-so-random thoughts and feelings

• When I open the fridge out of compulsion looking for something, though I know there’s nothing inside, I think to myself “I’m just searching for God.”
• Sometimes, I can’t help but wonder why I chose this kind of life; to live a consecrated life.
• During a Lenten Retreat in Tagaytay last 2015, I told my spiritual director that it doesn’t matter where I am or what kind of life I am living; for as long as I know that God will still continue to be at my side, I’m okay. He replied that I am not far from the kingdom of God.
• I’m just on my late 20s. I don’t know if I’m in crisis or depression but I just know I get too emotional about little things. Just like the lyrics of a song, I wonder why everything seems so heavy.
• I feel so emotional but it’s not coming out; it’s trapped inside. It’s like keeping a straight face.
• I was so active in Facebook when I finished my novitiate except this year. I was able to browse all my posts on my profile this year with a few scroll.
• I wan’t to hide yet I post a lot in Twitter. Then, I want to be seen too?
• I feel like Lazarus buried in a tomb but I rolled the stone myself to hide.
• When I am weeping, does God really weep with me?
• As I hit rock-bottom, will the floor cave in?
• Writing this, I remember Nicodemus in the night time asking questions about faith and being “born again”.
• Will I ever hear Jesus calling me to come out too?
• I can’t think of anything to write about in essay form so I just used bullets.
• I created a Spotify playlist entitled The Dark Night of the Soul
• Thanks for reading.

 

Something to ponder upon even if reality is harsh

It’s December and lots of things are happenings

The not nice things:

1. One of my teachers just passed away.
2. We lost a crucial basketball game by one point in overtime, making our team fall to fifth place thus failing to make it to the semifinals.

But cheer up, we have lots of nice things this Advent:

1. I thank God for the gift of Mrs. Delgado to our Marist community.
2. Some young Australian Marist volunteers visiting our country for exposure in mission areas.
3. The start of the Year of Consecrated Life.
4. Free admission of the ASEAN Schools Basketball games in Marist Gym.

Still, I acknowledge the harshness of reality. It’s just a matter of perspective. Rejoice in the Lord always!