How I take responsibility for my actions

In the film The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug, there was a dialogue that stuck in me when Bilbo Baggins saw Smaug about to fly off to Laketown. He said, “What have we done?”

I remembered this line because it talks about accepting one’s fault even though a one did not intended the consequences of one’s actions. For example, acting in good faith. I may have the best-est of all intentions but if I end up messing up, as a cliché says, the end does not justify the means.

While I was playing a video game, I remembered my recent interactions with some subordinates. I think I’ve done something wrong and they hinted it through a passive-aggresive remark and until now I am still wondering what exactly I did wrong. When I assume leadership, I admit I sometimes tend to overlook some people in the group particularly those who seem to be so sensitive. I never intend to do so but whenever I do overlook some people, I see now the pattern how these people react. And four out of four of them happened to have some father issues.

Maybe a family problem? Probably transference? Seeing me as their father figure? Am I too intimidating? Or maybe I’m just overthinking or rationalizing. I have to stop seeking the fault outside myself now.

I have to remind myself again that what’s done is done; I can’t bring back the time; I am not fail-proof; I am failure-prone; I cannot do it all; I cannot control the results. And sometimes even if it’s not my fault, I cannot make everything feel alright. It’s out of my reach. Or maybe it’s because I’m just a people pleaser. But I’m bound to fail because I can’t please everybody. And as the lyrics of a song goes, I did my best but I guess my best wasn’t good enough.

This is were humility comes. I now let St. Catherine of Siena to remind me that I am not who I think I am. I may have done something wrong, so mea culpa. So I now let it go and let the Lord do His work. I’ll try again next time and let tomorrow worry about itself.

And this is how an introverted and intuitive thinker perceives his interactions with others when he sees something’s wrong and he thinks he’s the problem though he’s not (or maybe he really is the problem).

How to overcome the feeling of being out of your comfort zone?

I feel like the Easter joy hasn’t really sink in me. Or maybe it rubbed off me but it just subsided. If you feel so down, feel free to join me in my activity.

Review of the past: A writing activity
This is very simple. I’ll just do an activity that will help me situate my feelings. Just jot down what happened for the past two years, all the good and the bad. Borrowing Ignatian Discernment, let’s write down all consolations and desolations. And this is my entry:

Before (past two years)
Studies, LET, one year teaching, contact with the youth, catechism classes, more theological studies, international community living, and stay in my hometown, over exposure to technology, cooking practice, watering plants, washing my clothes, practicing of using iron, visit to my family, contact with parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, visit to my relatives, grandparents, cousins, outings, recollection, Retreats, spiritual direction, fraternal accompaniment, basketball, soccer, running, reading books, and blogging. I have a lot to thank for.

Now (this past three weeks)
No daily Mass, no exercise, bumming, more time in silence, different language, rural living, fireflies in my room, crickets and frogs singing, adorable cats, frightening dogs, strong cellular signal, drinking Lipton tea almost every meal, two to three hours conversation while eating, all male in the community, and a vacation ministry. 

Reflection
I think I’m still in the transition period. I might be still adjusting from being removed from my comfort zone. I’m thankful I wrote this so I can be grateful for all the blessings I got and not just focus on what I lack.